if birthday wishes comes true, i wish i could once again be with you. but thats just a far fetched wish.
Im early in school for once and thats only because some stupid house is having renovation and i cant stand the constant drilling in my head, like being stress over exams are not enough. i started screaming at the drillers and my mum thought i was kuku.
So amidst the drilling and noise i sudd rmb about me waiting for pooja at the mrt and came across an UGLY abstract art. i know i dont know how to appreaciate ART. but if it really looks like shit piling on shit then is that artisitc or is that us being stupid for not knowing the difference. sometimes i wonder why we all get intrigued by wierd mysterious pple never once pondering if the pple are themselves cracko in the head by being oh so secretive or shd i say artisitc. i think they just have a problem with themselves which they cannot figure out. so they are as screwed up so they urm express their cracko-ness in ART. okaye why am i so mean to the artist. maybe he really think shit on shit n more shit is damn fucking nice. hehehe. so that was what i did while waiting for miss kaur at the mrt. always felt that the most wierd pple gets the most attention. like vincent van gogh. duno how u spell his damn name also.
Still cannot believe till today im being compared to urm you. eew... like assets V liabilities. ayo im so mean, and im suppose to be good during lent. what the hell la..
I dreamt of you again yst it was oh so sweet, u were you again, all so nice n loving and caring. you tend to me and in turn i sayang you. then i got up. i thot MAYBE i get lucky today n you msg me some nice msg. then kena bang.. no msg. haha.. nvm la, i must get used to this. im running on the last ounce of love left and when i have used up every inch of love i have for you at least maybe i know i did what i can and that even with me doing my best you still dont want . then i will move on and give my love to someone who might want it. but now..im still running on tt last ounce of love... -run run run run-
and to you. i know u really wish i'd give you a chance. like try together. i know u like me and u care in ways i wont ever know but hey just so you know im not ready. really am not really. i know u always so nice and all and i do feel like bad but i cant just jump into anything now. i really cant... might not be that soon but thanks for being so nice. i'd still am in love with someone. sigh..
I don't believe in many things But in you I do The years spent before seem more cloudy than blue You know I'd do most anything you want
12:31 PM In the words of jo
Thursday, March 02, 2006
So i got mad and clubbed. met up with jem and mich and we drove to MS and met cheryl, bess,joanne, zen, gwen, gwen's fren and andrea and her gf which i dont know. we went mad taking pic and cheryl and gang danced some retard sea walk.i think. cloud walk would have been better. then i drank abit..i think abit la.. not say i got high or something.
then my fingers swell like mini pau. all 10 fingers. what the hell la. i got scared then i msged Dr Lim for a diagnosis. urm she couldnt give me any cure except to sleep. then i msged you. obviously i cant spell ur name right. then u asked why i now so nice. all i can say is i change la. but no one will really believe me. they will think pls la, ur like that now cos you have no control over whatever what. no rights. but well.. you never know what you have until it is gone.
then we had supper me n mich till like 2.30 la.. then i went home to reflect and realise that i dont really know how long i can live without ur love. im really give my last best shot and after that i also dunno what im gona do.. like im lost but i did find myself also. but now without you alot of things i cant confide in you and cant call you or msg you things i truly want to say. somehow... im waiting.. for i dunno... waiting.. just waiting....
6:59 PM In the words of jo
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
"ur everything i want, ur everything i need, ur everything inside me, i wish i could keep. i say all the right things at exactly the right time. but i mean nothing to you and i dont know why."
So i dreamt a much awaited dream. i dreamt we were walking together as though we were friends then you turned around and said lets start over again. i want to be with you. and you know what. my heart cried. i saw you as the person whom i know oh so well. no longer the angst-ridden person, ur just so wao.. breathtaking. we had some trouble at first then we spent eternity in perfection. wao. though it's just a dream, it's something my soul finds comfort amidst adversities. i will sleep early tonight.
So i went to church today at the cathedral of the good shepherd cos dont think i can make it in time for later. the mass was good cos it's so un-modern. it's all the old hymns which never fails to incite all the gooseberries! hahaha. so i prayed to god saying .. dear god please help me be faithful during this lent and repent. and repent i did...
so i was in my daze of being holy moley then oh my fucking hell good lord of christ..i saw a fucking fucking HOT lady. PWHOA... the face was impeccable la.. then i couldnt stop looking and looking.. shit im so un-holy... hahah. then i saw her upclose.. chey she have my features. muahahah no shame. but seriously.... i dont mind being a bloody lesbian for her la.. muahahahaha. okay i have to go confession. i think im too desperate. but seriously... be holy be holy....
now stuck in school with a bad need for a haircut.. what the hell.. im porteobello mushroom la..
I mean, nothings really different It’s me who feels strange I’m always lost for words When someone mentions your name You were everything I’d never seen I suppose that you’ll be leaving But I want you to know Part of you stays with me Even after you're gone
3:36 PM In the words of jo
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
you chose to get up n leave. you told me over the phone you like ur life now as it's more relaxed. your blog said yst was a blast.
im sorry i assumed u were happy. i hardly see you or talk to u nowadays. true we no longer share the same mind, but all i ever wanted u to feel now is having a better life than with me. u think i really want to hurt u? see you cry?
what made u walk away till today i have only a blur view of it. from what i know i dont know if i shd believe anot. if someone told u something or made u do this then maybe u shd have tried consulting me. everyday i sit on ur roller coaster. i dont blame u for everythig you did. im sad and i nv ever thought we wld be like this today.
tell me. why are u sad when u initiated the break up? why are u sad when u have the ans to my qns? why are u sad when you have so many frens ard you? why are u sad when u can have a fun life and free life w/o me?
you have controlled every single thing that has happen. u ask me to change our status first, i said no. u blast me on sms saying u have suggested n if i dont wan it there's nothing u can do. then u said lets be frens. i cant even say no. then now when u hurl accusations at me. all i said was im sorry. i really meant no harm i really felt that since ur really happy from ur blog i assume it's time i shd not bother abt u, lest u ignore my msges and dont even give me the right to be ur fren.
you are the one in control my dear. im the one sitting in the roller coaster. u'r the one operating it. im not blogging to make me sound like im the victim. trust me. im not the victim. im just a human feeling the pain of my other half ripped apart before my very eyes and yet have no chance of getting anything back except....
lets be friends. sometimes i think i dont have a dignity. i cant even say no. i dont want to be ur fren. i want to be ur gf.
i dont know why ur so angry at me. or why i meant something with such brillant intentions only to be condemned by you for being concerned. and for wanting to know at least u now have the life i couldnt have given.
sorry for the fuck you went thru reading my blog entry. i really thought u were better.
if ur sad then why give up... i really dont know.... only u do...
1:27 PM In the words of jo
Monday, February 27, 2006
my gut feeling. so it's true.
i thought i could give u the life that you wanted. i thought by bringing you away from your previous lifestyle i could make you happy. true i was not much fun to begin with, i guess i was stable. and you knew the immensity of my love. i introduce my world to you and practically gave up my world to include you in every aspect of it.i even wanted to marry you on the beach and pay the airfare for everyone to attend our wedding. stupidity, or sweet. you decide.
yet you told me i dont make you happy.
Then one day u just got tired of mundane and stable life. you wanted fun and dangerous life. whose to blame, you are young. what shocked me was how ur life is now. it was something i thought you didnt enjoy. what made me bewildered was ur proclamations of love to me and ur opposite behaviour at about the same time. the ultimate shock was how fast u recovered. then the reason just fell on my lap, without any effort. it was handed to me on a silver platter. you know what? i laughed. not cos i was sad. laughed cos i was relieved. so that was what you couldnt tell me. that was why you avoided my incessant questions.
it was a few months to go before i can give u everything in the world. my heart, my soul, my money, my house, my car, my never ending love. and of course my mundane life. you do not want them.
then i sat down to think. i gave my utmost best and love you in a way i didnt know i was capable of. i showered love and protect you just so i will take the blows of hurt n pain while you lay safe in my arms, protected and loved. i put you above myself and thought of you first in every single aspect. true, i was at times a pain in the ass for being possessive and restricting you. i have flaws and these were it. i just did not want to lose you. but everyone knew how much love i had for you. maybe it scared you, but i treated you so well. i gave you a sane but boring life. i basically did everything i could up till the very end.
so now i guess i will live my life as how i planned. though now it's without you to share my joys with, without you to scream with when i get a 2nd upper honours, without you at my passing out parade, without you to share my first pay with, without you when i pass my driving, without you to be my first passager in my new car, without you to stay with me in my "zen looking" house, without you to go romantic hoidays with, without you to enjoy my promotions with, without you to whine when im lonely, without you to hug and cuddle when it rains,without you when i want to marry urm you, without you to hold me when i breathe my last.
i think i be okay. it's you who left me. so i guess u were not my half even though i sincerely felt that way. time to move on? or time to hang on?
you were my everything. but i was not your everything. you were mine. hahaha.. life's like a big joke. and im the joke.
