the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight Stop this pain tonight remb this song we used to sing? Don't waste your time on me you're already The voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you) Don't waste your time on me you're already The voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you) my weight is dwindling. what the hell la. im a measley 39kg. of all numbers, i HAD to be 39 fucking kg. not say i dont eat. i eat but still im literally "feather weight" now. hehehe. yes i have the cheek to laugh.
its a nice feeling to be idolised. true it's such a narcissistic sentence. but the sense of euphoria is a good jive for the ego department. remember the times when i was back in STC, everyday was like ego boosting day for me, the juniors keep coming and never ending. haha. remember what a proud bastard i was. esp when i play netball, -sniggers- i will action drama all. hey i was one of the best WD there was in that year what. cant help it when the netball court is right smack in the middle of sch compund right. haha im justifying my actions. but it was so damn nice to have people squeal over ur "kiam pa" face. not that i purposely, its usually cos im so damn blur i dont even know.
then in CJC, i was some stupid chio bu which i wasnt quite flattered with the label. all the ugly guys like me. eew.. hahaha. if got nice looking one but not player then hmmm... hahaha. but anyhow, i dont like my jc days. maybe cos half the time i was mugging. hardly partying.
now in SIC, there's a goondo geeky guy who likes me.yucks. then there was jean! hahah pooja wld knw her. she's a mad girl. but still eee. then........ yst....... got some wao power pack looking girl in the train who stared at me, she tried to urm not make it obvious but uhhh hello if im in front of ur face abit the OBVIOUS right. i turned around to make sure no one behind me then i was like uhhhh..okaye so it's me. wah lau, im destined to be a lesbian la... but she was hot. period. seriously..god up above..why are you doing this to me?? hahahaha
but is it really worth it? like having so many people liking you when the only one you wish would like you so doesnt at all? then you have some distraction, but you only see that one person. bobbing around in ur head and dancing around in your sub-con. that you even dream of it. bahhhhh... i mean no matter how u assure the person you have change and that things will be very diff now, i guess if someone is bent on leaving, they will not make a U-turn. guess in my this life, i dont get u-turns. it's only a one way street. so i need more idolisation. hahah. maybe i just need to be loved.
Where are you and I'm so sorry I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight I need somebody and always This sick strange darkness Comes creeping on so haunting every time
Like indecision to call you And hear your voice of treason Will you come home and stop this pain tonight Stop this pain tonight
9:49 PM In the words of jo
Friday, March 24, 2006
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
so do you still love? do you still want to try? do you still feel something which i do? or have you already move on..and determin to just move on.. do i kill you always with my incessant questions.. forgive me... because sometimes my heart betrays me.
my heart asks these questions..
I never know what the future brings I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today ‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right And though I can’t be with you tonight You know my heart is by your side
8:29 PM In the words of jo
Thursday, March 23, 2006
and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you.
Dreams last so long Even after you're gone I know, that you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me And I was meant for you
i thnk im fated to be sick. stomach wouldnt stop killing me everytime i stand up and walk. the pain was so urgh tt i had to be jerk awake yst. finally done with family law. phew. im on schedule. now back to shit IP. . kept thinking of you yst... wonder how you are doing now,and if you're happy or just as miserable as me. why cant two lovers make it,when i love you and i think you love me. hmmm...... unless you dont la.. but i also dont know..
Saw a movie it just wasn't the same' Cause it was happy and I was sad It made me miss you oh so bad
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead I try and tell myself it'll be all right I just shouldn't think anymore tonight
6:37 PM In the words of jo
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
i had a bad nightmare. i dreamt you found someone and moved on. your msg was "have.started." the pain of not having you anymore jerk me awake, i was so relief it was just a dream. whether it one day becomes reality, i dont wish to think. the nightmare made me cry and realise i still love you so.
then my body reject food again. i have the worse stomach spasms u can ever imagine, i had diarrhoea non-stop and i have headache which can make me faint sudd and horrible gastric. yet i still drag myself to sch, because staying at home will drive me insane. no matter how much pain i felt, it beats thinking of you incessantly. hardly made to the mrt and i broke out in cold sweat, legs jelly. but i made it. i came to sch.
then i msg someone saying how nice it wld be if i cld hug --- and drift to sleep admists the pain. and someone said, --- can hug you but ---'s heart is not with you. sigh. then as i drift off into tuning away the pain, i rmb how u used to scold my tummy when they "misbehave" . and kiss them . it was so sweet. sigh.. i screwed up i guess.
"i have already waited my whole life for you, i can wait a little more. lets be honest, there is no guarantee that you will ever be ready. there's always so must rejection i can take, i will do my best. But dont be surprise, The one of these days you wake up, and im no longer here. "
3:31 PM In the words of jo
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Why are we here and where do we go
(links to the photos are below this entry. )
Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky. They wipe away tears that I cry. Love is the answer At least for most of the questions in my heart It's been months for some reason I just (Can't get over us)
im killing myself slowly with alcohol and tobacco. yet i cant stop, i drink n drink and exhale n exhale. i dont really give a flying fuck.
was just looking back of the times when love btwn us was wholly innocent. it was happy with no expectations. now we are covered with marred illusions that we can make it on out own, we can be happy with friends who can delude us into believing it's better apart than trying to sort things btwn the 2 of us. if friends didnt exist on both our sides, would we be so strong in our beliefs that we are meant to be apart. that someday if we are meant to be soulmates we will meet again and then love will be the ending that we planned so long ago.
i admit i have days when i know i can live without you, that maybe when you saw the end it was meant to be. that no matter how hard we persue this love it just can never be the happy ending we wanted. i thought you were already moving on, and i was the loser still running this race. then i turned back, i saw you there, facing the same pain as i did, yours was probably in silence. mine was probably in big hoo-haas. lets say we were not meant to be, why do we feel pain when we look back at all the past and all the dreams we could have achieved tog. even i get confused everyday, wondering why we have to be put through this pain. why do we stifle the words we wish to say, why do we stop the feelings we keep so deep inside. why did we deny and destroy our own happy pill by adding poision of jealousy, strong willed-ness, trust, faith and pride. i then realised i was lying to myself that i can live without you,
time might be just the cure. but i doubt i can find happiness as i did with you. the smile you gave everytime we meet was magic. the hugs we provide were instant relief. the kiss we shared were more than just the meeting of lips, it was soul on soul merged into one. are we really meant to cross path for such a short time, was it meant to show us the full fleged of pain n happiness bounded tog at the same time. i have people around me who can love me more than i ever love them, yet i dont ustd why the feeling is not the same.
the feeling of seeing you in that sunset, the power of love struck me then. i couldnt ustd why at that point in time i knew it had to be you. yet the wall of confusion stops us from anymore chances we can ever have. the mirage of friends and freedom seem to have empowered us. to stop the feelings and destroy that very path, that led me right to you, in ur arms. the warmth of hugging you from behind in that sentosa sunset was one moment in time which i can never forget. it was so simple, yet so indescribable. only then i knew it was what so many people called the power of love.
I had endless thoughts of you i couldnt explain. i couldnt pick up my phone to tell u how much i miss you n the times we shared, cos i promised u it was the last time i felt this way. if i showed u the emotional side, it might drive you mad, it might make you insane. it might ultimatley drive you away. so i stood up and walk, but every step i took i fall. i stood up again and i fell. im truly now a stronger person inside, i now have friends i thought i never had, i laughed in the way i thought i would never again. but it was transient, it was a-tat different. i laughed an empty laughter..
Now im confused. now im falling again. are we really meant to be separated. are we really happy or are we just fooling ourselves into thinking we are better off apart. friends or alcohol or tobaaco cannot solved these. because it happens to be the affairs of our confused hearts.
might blog ltr... now to upload and to sleep b4 rushing for NUH doc apptmt.. sigh...
11:39 AM In the words of jo
Monday, March 20, 2006
And it's okay If you had to go away Cause I'll remember everything you sang All things are gonna happen naturally Oh, taking your advice and I 'm looking on the bright side And balancing the whole thing Cause you and I both loved
After being deprived from the use of internet. i also dont know what to blog. I think love is such a double edge sword. it gives u extreme pain and extreme comfort. Having so many friends feeling the same amount of pain makes me understand so much more about my life about love and everything. we all wished love was simple, with no jealousy, with no fights, no anger, no everything that is bad. but if love was that simple we would never grow to treasure anyone, or grow to understand one another better. fights can be outright nasty, we cry we feel fucked up but at the end of it we all learn something one way or another.if in a rel we never fought, i guess i wont ever learn to treasure you, and we wont ever have a balance. nothing is always perfect, but thru fights we try to perfect the rel. even break ups teaches us alot. it taught me to be more matured in my thinking and a whole lot of stuff. true, i was reeling in pain, raw pain. but in the pain, i grew to be a more patient person, to not judge pple to embrace everyone without a nasty dirty look, be not so protective, be more relax. to live life not thinking about negative stuff. im not saying im happy without love, im sad, but i cant live in saddness my whole damn life right? i finally stood up to walk again. but never forgetting you, the one i have lost.
Hindsight, i LOST MY RULER. roars* im finding like mad around sch and DONT HAVE. anyone want to buy me a ruler? hahaha. oh photos of my brithday bash will be up real soon, cos i finally have broadband. been catching up with alot of friends man. it's nice to know how they are and all. sweet:) hahah.
I have made new goals to achieve when i have the means to. no.1-- get a pilot licence no.2-- go on a holiday to bangkok or bali.. no.3-- propose to someone while flying a plane. hahahahaahah
my dear you. it was nice to know that u missed me a little and i agree im different now. prob more distant. i only want you to know that i cannot invoke feelings in you if your heart is still stoned. i can bring heaven down to ur feet and you will not feel a thing because ur heart is still stone cold. i cannot be just a friend to you because the feelings in me betray me time to time. what i msg on sat for the last time was to tell you that i still do miss you and all but u have to be ready to accept me only then will love be complete. search it within you when u are ready because it has to come from within. i cannot force ur heart. find yourself..
if im the one once you find urself. i will complete your heart.
I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
