Death in itself is morbid. whats more morbid is dwelling on it and pondering over it. Conversations were going on and suddenly it struck a chord. where would i be heading to when my time is up on this little earth. would i be lifted up by angels or will i see the creator's solemn and austere face telling me finally He can read out my countless sins and mete out the punishment He has been patiently waiting. how would i go. would i suffer pain beyond redemption or will i drop dead in a matter of seconds. how would purgatory be like? is it really dark, or is it a never ending tunnel filled with vortex of fire and screaming souls trying desperately to crawl out of it. will i get to see any of my friends there or will i be stuck alone to suffer his wrath and burn till im cleansed to his satisfaction. will i cry and beg for his forgiveness only to be turned away and thrown to the abyss.will i feel pain in purgatory, how long would i be there till it's deemed enough for Him. would i even get to catch a whiff of heaven or a glimpse of it. do i have the chance to explain certain actions or inactions. Is He reasonable? Will Mother Mary shield me with her heavenly robes from his wrath. will she protect me and fight for me. if im down in purgatory will she visit me? will she even be there when im about to pass from this life? will she welcome me into her arms and say you rebellious child, my child, come let me take you to heaven, i've alrdy set a place for you, see if you like the deco! we will joke, we will laugh, i will thank her for all the intercessions, i will show her my tattoos (intending of ink-ing her face and a crucifix) and ask her if its pretty and see if there's any similarities to it. i will ask her so many questions about my life and if i was good enough as a "daughter". then again, she might not want to see me. i'm not the typical god-fearing individual, i rebel, i curse and scold Him when im unhappy with the tests He laid out for me. will i get to see the people i love who has passed before me? in short. i fear death.
so many whys that cannot be explained. if a person is pious, does it mean they will never get into trouble, if we pray more will we be spared from pain, diseases, sadness, tests, fear, and all things morbid? will He wager a bet between the satan to test our faiths, will we be spun around like pawns. Does He even take our feelings into consideration when he put us through pain, grief, sadness, tears, anger, hopelessness, despair, trials, tribulations. If so then why must He subject us to all these shit, does He not know we hurt? why cant we live and die in the most civil way ever. why the sufferings. to help us grow? we dont need grief to grow. grief only make us hate, hate turns to anger, anger turns to rebellion, rebellion turns to exhausion, exhausion turns to resignation. resignation turns to dejection. dejection then just makes you numb all over.
i've not lived a life according to how society pleases, i've not practice the laws of God in the god fearing manner and i dont intend to do so because i refuse to believe He governs his creations with an iron hand. but hearing stuff just makes me wonder, am i right? i've never been a brillant catholic, will i die for my faith, well maybe but who knows when it happens, i hardly pray, i sin like no tomorrow. Has he already condemned me as one of those wretched soul. If He's mr nice, but it seems that bad things only happen to good people. i know of people who are undeserving of goodness from the creator. some shd be condemned to multiple gates of hell but they seem to be doing mighty fine. they seem to get favours rather than failures. why? they are bad, shdnt the bad be punished? unless you're saying OOohhH the good people are being tested by satan and the bad pple are basically under satan's trap. like seriously, is tt crap or bullshit or facts? weird why the sudden outburst of such sinister stuff, probably another black mark in my book of life. ah well.. my book of life is prob already BLACKENED from all tt black dots.
so Mr God, how will i go? where will i go? why do you do what you do? why do horrible people get a better life? are our lives a game?
